There have been times since I turned 24, of an awareness … a feeling of breathless anticipation, like I’m waiting to break out of my cocoon, burst forth into meaning and light and some unknown amazing future! And I’m so so excited, but then nothing happens, or nothing amazing happens.
But why is this so?? I’m writing this again because it’s happening to me again, those same emotions and excitement at the pit of my stomach…but now I wonder too, if this is some kind of manic depression or a bipolar disorder or just depression ending briefly … mental health has been in my thoughts and fears for a while now… and so of course I wonder
But say it isn’t that. Say there is something on the edge of the horizon, calling my name, but I’ve not been able to answer or see it for what it is… so far.
And what if now I can hear its call…how exciting, how wondrous that would be.
There was a story I loved dearly about a girl who goes to stay with her aunt and uncle in the north east of India and chances upon birdsong … and those words were so evocative, so lovely in their description. I want to live a life like that.
Have you ever felt so trapped that you can’t see anything in front of you anymore? Have you wondered why you’re still in that trap! At what point do the supposed gains outweigh the means?
So first there was the Ayyappa Jyothi.
The people in the state were enthused enough to come together to protest girls being allowed inside the ayyappa temple before menstruation had ended. They can’t mobilise to come together for a good cause but for this rubbish, what a show of strength!!! And I have extended family who support this. In this day an age women are still denied equality of worship!
I find it ridiculous that people including young women are ready to waste their time and stand on the roads and highways to protest this, when they could have contributed in so many million other ways to help perhaps the girl child in their own or other states !!
It is such a waste of time and resources, and so disheartening!
Then a few day’s later there was this:
Sabarimala row: Lakhs to form ‘women’s wall’ in Kerala – http://www.ecoti.in/MJXcLb
It made me happy that the state has the (excuse my language) balls to support this and I think Pinarayi Vijayan has some serious style! #canhebeprimeministernext
Of course, the relatives are still mad at it all.
And here we are … it’s Dec 31,2018. And I’m a single 39.5 year old Indian woman, listening to 90s alternative rock (and realising once more that we don’t ever outgrow certain tastes) and trying to suss out her thoughts on what has been a continued less than stellar 2 year run.
Anyway that’s neither here nor there. I’m writing because I’m away from my family and close friends for most of the year and sometimes my thoughts just beg to be articulated …
So, it’s been a tough year. My immediate family has seen many rounds of bad health … and it’s been a real strain, to put it mildly. I’ve discovered inner resourcefulness that I didn’t know I had, and deep weaknesses and fears too. And flying solo, well I wish I wasn’t. It would be nice to have someone firmly for just me. (A romantic notion if there ever was one, but sometimes even I succumb to these)
On an aside: I don’t get people who don’t like Dave Matthews Band (thenolder stuff obviously )
I’ve many thoughts in my head. About friendship and career-life choices I’ve made and reversing some of those decisions and how to make myself unstuck, and to stop being a company slave. And how to get over my phone answering phobia. And that I must build myself a support network once more because we all forget and stop caring about once important people in our lives. At least, I feel redundant in nearly all of my friends’ lives. And it’s primarily because I’m nowhere in their physical proximity and I don’t pick up the phone so I’ve screwed it all up myself.
And I’m someone who has really great friends!!! I’ve never had these thoughts before so I guess my 40s will be vastly different from my teens and 20s and early 30s. Hmmm.
Anyhow I’ve got to run. I hope to write regularly this year, so here’s to that.