There have been times since I turned 24, of an awareness … a feeling of breathless anticipation, like I’m waiting to break out of my cocoon, burst forth into meaning and light and some unknown amazing future! And I’m so so excited, but then nothing happens, or nothing amazing happens.

But why is this so?? I’m writing this again because it’s happening to me again, those same emotions and excitement at the pit of my stomach…but now I wonder too, if this is some kind of manic depression or a bipolar disorder or just depression ending briefly … mental health has been in my thoughts and fears for a while now… and so of course I wonder

But say it isn’t that. Say there is something on the edge of the horizon, calling my name, but I’ve not been able to answer or see it for what it is… so far.

And what if now I can hear its call…how exciting, how wondrous that would be.

There was a story I loved dearly about a girl who goes to stay with her aunt and uncle in the north east of India and chances upon birdsong … and those words were so evocative, so lovely in their description. I want to live a life like that.

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